CONFERENCE HUMOR

WORDS BY RHYMER RIGBY

NETWORKING OR NOT WORKING

Next time you head off to a conference, check out the timetable. You’ll probably see quite a few time slots billed as “networking opportunities.” If there are too many of these, you ought to be demanding your money back. “Networking opportunity” loosely translates into “organizers were too cheap to arrange anything here, so they thought they’d put you all in the bar, hoping that you’d view it as a chance to make valuable new contacts.”

OK, so it’s cheap and easy to be cynical. But conference organizers are cynical people, and conferences are anything but cheap. Still, you’re there, so it’s worth asking if there really is any networking to be done at these events—or if you’re just stuck in a room of dullards drinking some of the world’s cheapest wines?

Naturally, it rather depends on the conference. If you are a delegate at a conference like Davos or the G8 Summit, then there will be fabulous “personal outreach” opportunities aplenty. Almost everyone there is important, and chances are that you’re important too. People will want to talk to you and you’ll talk to them, because powerful people like talking to each other.

But most of us will not be hanging around with finance ministers and Bill Gates. So, is the same true of more prosaic conferences like “The Anti-inflammatory Drug Salesman’s Conference” and “Actuarial Developments 2005″? The answer is, in a pedestrian kind of way, yes, sort of. Sadly, most of the delegates at “Machine Tool Expo ‘05″ are likely to be, well, rather like you. But this doesn’t mean that you should give up: there will be people worth meeting—you just need to find them.

Now, the most obvious thing to do is look for the most important people at the conference—such as the speakers—and then try and buttonhole them. Don’t bother. For starters, people who are being paid twenty grand to speak at conferences do not hang around the bar afterwards; they’ll be out of there like a shot in their chauffeur-driven car the second the applause has died down. And, on the off chance you do ambush them in the foyer; they will not be interested in networking with you. It scarcely needs pointing out that the reason for this is the same reason that you do not network with the guy who cuts your grass.

Networking then, is like dating or any other social interaction. You need to know your station. Aim too high and your target’s first thoughts will be “How do I get out of here?” Aim too low and you’re slumming it. Rather, you should be networking with people who are just above you, at your level or even slightly below you. This last of these isn’t as dumb as it sounds. Most important people weren’t always that way. Catch them on the way up and they’ll be flattered and far more likely to remember you when they become successful themselves.

The best way to find targets is to read the delegates’ list and pick a few people you really want to talk to. Don’t overstretch yourself: you’re not Bill Clinton—but equally don’t find someone you already know and spend the entire evening talking to them; that’s lazy. And do your homework; read up on the person/company you want to meet. When you’re actually networking, unless you’re getting on like old friends, you don’t need to spend all that long with people. Five minutes should be enough to see if they’re useful to you or you’re useful to them. Give out business cards, but not too many—you don’t want to look like a “Roladex slut.” And when you’re done with someone, try not to leave them on their own; that’s poor form. Rather, palm them off on someone else. To see how to do this, watch the real pros at work—done properly, the person will never realize that their value has been extracted.

Of course, for all this, there will be conferences where the networking’s just not working. You will find yourself in situations where there’s nobody you want to network with—or, in some cases, even talk to. In this case you’re well advised to cut your losses, head up to your room and plug into everyone’s favorite conference network: ESPN. © Getty